


Tooku Mihatenu Chi e (Far, towards an endless place)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Affairs, Break Up, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Oral Sex, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 07:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He could’ve misunderstood what his boyfriend had said.That, though, there was no way he could’ve misunderstood.





	Tooku Mihatenu Chi e (Far, towards an endless place)

When Hikaru had gotten home that night, Kei had felt a weird sensation of discomfort.

It wasn’t rare but, struggling, he managed to explain it.

It happened more and more often that the other boy came home from work exhausted, that they had less time to spend together, that they barely managed to talk anymore.

He wasn’t too worried about it, and he tried to seize every chance he got, trying to let him feel his presence, to be with him as much as he possibly could.

That night he had stayed in the kitchen, watching him eat reluctantly, and he was trying to make him talk, to make him tell about his day.

It wasn’t easy to talk to Hikaru when he had no intention to.

“How were the shootings today?” he asked him, while the other played distractedly with his chopsticks in the katsudon.

“Good enough. We’ve been to the sea, we’ve tried surfing.” he explained, briefly looking at him.

Kei smiled, sitting on the chair next to him.

“You told them you can’t swing, right?” he asked, mildly mocking him.

The other hit his arm, light.

“Of course I did. And, if you need to know, I managed to stay on the board longer than anyone would've expected.” he defended himself, then he put the chopsticks down next to the bowl and stood up. “I’m sorry Kei, but I really can’t finish it. We’ve eaten a lot for lunch, I still feel full.” he said with an apologetic smile, getting up and starting to but the dishes in the sink.

The elder shrugged, as to say it didn’t matter, and started helping.

“Do you have something to do now?” he asked with a smile once they were done.

Hikaru nodded, wincing.

“I started writing a new song, I wanted to continue with that for a bit. I think I’ll go to the studio. What about you? Do you have to study?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Inoo nodded, getting closer and wrapping his hands around his waist, kissing him.

“I can stay with you if you like.” he suggested.

Even though they didn’t talk about it, and they both had their stuff to do, he liked even just being in the same room as him; it made him feel close, somehow.

For sure much more than spending his days at home or at Meiji, when they can’t see each other.

They had been in the studio for over half an hour, before Kei realized he couldn’t focus.

He underlined a sentence and he raised his eyes on Hikaru, losing himself in his focused expression, trying to read lines from the song in his tidy writing.

It had been going on for a while, when the younger’s phone vibrating distracted him.

Hikaru grabbed it quickly and read the e-mail.

Inoo saw disappointment on his face and got up, going around the table and resting his hands on his shoulders, massaging them slowly.

“Something happened?” he asked, while the other rolled his head back and closed his eyes, groaning.

“It was Ko. Tomorrow we were supposed to go and buy a present for Dai-chan’s birthday, but he can’t come. He’s meeting Yuya for lunch and then he has to work.” he explained, and his voice showed the same disappointment on his face.

“We could go together. Tomorrow I should be done early with the university.” he suggested, leaning over to rest his chin on his shoulder, kissing his throat.

Hikaru hesitated for a moment, then nodded.

“Yes, fine.” he agreed, without the enthusiasm Kei would've hoped for.

He bit his lip, trying not to think about it.

He went back kissing his neck, licking it from time to time, while the younger closed his eyes and brought a hand to his head, as to ask him not to stop.

Smiling, Kei moved to a more comfortable position, kneeling next to the chair and pulling Hikaru’s shirt up, settling between his legs and letting his lips and tongue roam on his chest, lascivious.

When he undid his fly, letting his trousers slip down his legs alongside his briefs, Hikaru brought a hand through his hair, pulling him forward and pushing his hips forward, giving him a clear hint.

And Kei didn’t miss it, because seeing that urge in Hikaru’s movements, reached in so little time, was too good for him to dare teasing him.

He brushed his tongue on his shaft, languid, then he took him wholly in his mouth, starting to move his head steadily, not too fast and not too slow.

His boyfriend moaned shamelessly, lost in the feeling of that tongue and that mouth on him.

He panted, while his hold on Kei’s head grew tighter.

“Fas... faster.” he murmured, thrusting his hips to meet his mouth, and Kei complied right away.

He was about to come, it wasn’t hard to notice.

And it was then that Kei heard it.

“Ko...” Hikaru murmured, and Inoo froze.

He raised his head quickly, while Yaotome made a chocked sound for the sudden lack of contact.

Kei stood back on his feet, staring at him in horror.

“What did you just say?” he hissed, trying to convince himself he had misheard.

Hikaru opened his eyes wide, confused.

“What? I didn’t say anything!” he replied, grabbing his wrist in the attempt of getting him back to business, starting back where he had left off.

Kei abruptly wiggled out of his hold, backing off.

“You’ve said ‘Ko’.” he said, his voice low, as if he didn’t want to believe it.

“I didn’t. Why in the world should have I said his name? I said yours, you must’ve heard it wrong.” he insisted, standing up himself and getting closer, gently putting his hands on his hips.

This time, the elder didn’t pull away. “Kei, love... I had no reason to say ‘Ko’. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but you’re wrong.” he said, the most tender voice he managed to use.

Kei hesitated. He thought about it again.

Perhaps, he really had misheard.

Perhaps he had been wrong.

No, Hikaru had no reason to say Yabu’s name under that circumstance.

None at all.

He must’ve been wrong.

He nodded briefly, as to say he was right, and then he let the other’s hands lead him back to how they were before.

He was about to get back to it, with little desire to do so, when he heard Hikaru’s phone vibrate again.

It was instinctive.

With a quick movement he went to the desk, grabbing the phone and standing.

“Kei, what are you doing? Give me that phone!” Hikaru yelled, panic obvious in his voice.

Kei held out his hand to bring it out of his grasp, and he quickly opened the mail and read it.

They both kept still.

He could’ve misunderstood what his boyfriend had said.

That, though, there was no way he could’ve misunderstood.

_“I’m so sorry I can’t come tomorrow. I swear I’ll make it up to you. I love you.”_

Kei was tempted to throw the phone on the floor, but he didn’t. He raised it toward Hikaru, who had his eyes low.

“What does it mean?” he hissed, torn between the anger and the will to burst out crying. Hikaru didn’t answer, and he insisted. “What does this e-mail mean, Hikaru?”

The younger bit his lip, and finally looked at him.

“I didn’t want you to find out this way, Kei.” he murmured.

Inoo felt his legs give out on him, as if he couldn’t keep himself up anymore.

“To find out what, Hikaru?” his voice was feeble, and he looked at him through watery eyes, knowing he didn’t really want an answer.

The other sighed, quickly fixing his clothes and sitting down, gesturing for him to do the same.

Kei shook his head and stayed up.

He kept looking at him, waiting, until the other didn’t start talking again.

“I’ve been having an affair with Kota. For six months.” he whispered, and Kei saw how much he was forcing himself to keep looking at him.

Had he been him, he wouldn’t have wanted to look at him either.

He tried to elaborate what he had just said, but it was like he couldn’t.

_Six months._

He kept thinking about all that had happened during those months, about all the times he had hugged him, all the things they had done together, all those moments he had thought their relationship was perfect, that nothing could ruin their happiness.

And now, realizing how blind he had been, it all came crumbling down.

“And during these months you’ve managed to be with me without feeling guilty? You’ve managed to kiss me, to have sex with me, to tell me you loved me without even blink?” he asked, raising an eyebrow and doing nothing to mask the irony.

He saw him ready to reply, but then he took a deep breath and seemed to calm down.

“When has it been the last time I told you I love you, Kei?” he murmured, then sighed. “It hasn’t been easy. You don’t throw away three years of relationship without trying to make it work. And I did, I swear. But I couldn’t. I’m in love with Yabu, and I can’t love you like I once did.” he said, and finally lowered his eyes.

Kei felt his breath knocked out of him.

He wasn’t ready to face it.

He had read Yabu’s mail. He had read that ‘I love you’, but he hadn't really elaborated that for what it was.

He was ready for a fight, a furious one, he was ready to hate Hikaru for what he had done to him.

He wasn’t ready to deal with a goodbye.

All of a sudden, he wasn’t angry anymore.

He wasn’t mad at Hikaru for his affair with Yabu, he didn’t feel betrayed anymore, he didn’t even think he could hate him.

It had all been drowned in panic.

He got close to his boyfriend, kneeling and resting his head on his leg, clawing his t-shirt, his hips, trying to keep him close.

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you Hikka? Please, tell me you’re not.” he said, his voice trembling.

He heard the younger sigh another time, before answering.

“I wouldn’t want to, Kei. Really. But I’ve been thinking about what to do for a while, about not making you suffer, because you don’t deserve it, because I still love you, somehow. But... it’s pointless now.” he said, a gentle voice that hurt Kei even worse.

He burst out crying, oblivious to pride and dignity.

He didn’t give a damn.

He wanted Hikaru, no matter the cost.

He would've overcome the affair, he would've overcome anything, as long as he would've told him he would've stayed with him, that it wasn’t true he didn’t love him anymore, that he wanted to be with him, despite everything.

“Please. Don’t leave. You can’t Hikaru, I... I love you, Hikka. And I’m sure it’s just a moment, you can’t really have stopped loving me.” he got up, hugging him and hiding his face in the crook of his neck. “I’m sure you can still love me. Even if it’s going to take some time, but... it can’t all be gone, I just know that.” he swallowed, tightening his hold on him. “But stay, please. You can’t  leave me alone.” he said, and by now he was sobbing.

Hikaru brushed a hand over his eyes, as if he felt exhausted all of a sudden.

“It’s not fair if you cry.” he whispered, bringing a hand behind his back and caressing him slowly.

“Tell me you’re staying, Hikaru. Tell me you’ll try.”

There was a silence that felt endless.

Kei held him, cried and waited.

In the end, Hikaru nodded, his eyes filled with a sadness Kei had never seen on his face.

But he wasn’t concerned by it, because that mere nod had made him feel damn relieved, more than he should’ve been given the circumstances.

He moved, looking straight in his eyes and pressing their lips together, kissing him, feeling his taste blending with his own, like it had always been.

And it didn’t matter if that flavour didn’t seem the same he was used to, at least it wasn’t going to be the taste with which he would've remembered of his goodbye.

He still had time, and it was all he needed.

“Tell me you love me, Hikka.” he murmured then, pulling back a little. “Tell me that you love me, it doesn’t matter if it’s not true.”

Hikaru hugged him, and Kei knew it was just because this way he wasn’t forced to look at him.

“I love you.” he whispered.

Inoo knew it was a lie, and it was what he had asked for.

That lie, still hurt less than this being the end.

 

~

 

He had been rolling into bed for a couple hours now, without managing to sleep.

It hadn't been long since he had heard Hikaru’s breath become heavier and steadier, proving he was sleeping.

He couldn’t.

He turned over once again, when he heard the younger’s phone vibrate again.

He shivered.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to. That night, that phone had only been able to cause him more pain than he ever thought he could’ve felt.

But he couldn’t resist.

He got up slowly, reaching for the nightstand on Hikaru’s side of the bed and taking the cell phone.

He had hoped to read a different name, but he knew it was pointless.

He opened Yabu’s e-mail, biting on his lip.

_I understand you feel sorry for him. I’m sure it’s just going to take some time for him to accept it. I’ll be waiting for you, you know that. I love you._

He thought he couldn’t have felt worse.

He thought he could’ve taken anything by now.

He bit on his head, trying his hardest not to cry again. As much as his instinct told him he should’ve, he didn’t feel like it.

He got out of the room, the phone still in his hand.

He went to the bathroom, started to fill the bathtub and close the door so that he wouldn’t have woken Hikaru up.

Waiting for it to be full, he leant against the wall, thinking about what had happened.

What had he expected?

That Hikaru could love him just because he had asked?

He knew that a forced love was never going to be enough, he knew that the moment he had asked for it, but it was like Kota’s words had presented the reality as more squalid than it actually was.

He didn’t want Hikaru to be with him out of mercy. He didn’t want him to stay cause he had asked, cause he had begged, because he had always been weak in front of his tears.

Kei loved him, and loving him should’ve meant to let him be free.

He opened the medicine cabinet, staring at the pills for a while, before taking a few of them.

He took off his clothes, getting inside the tub and sighing for the sudden feeling of warmth.

He liked it.

He kept thinking, restlessly.

He wasn’t going to stand Hikaru’s goodbye, he was aware of that. This, was the only solution.

He let himself slip further inside the tub, holding his breath.

After a while, he felt his lungs starting to burn, and he had to hold on tight to the edges to force himself to stay down.

Then he started to feel weak, and he basked in the feeling of the hot embrace of the water around him.

He wasn’t going to stand Hikaru’s goodbye, unless his own would've come first, and it was what he was doing.

His death would've made him free to be happy.

 _Goodbye, then_ he thought.

Then, nothing else.


End file.
